to have and to hold

Last month, we attended the wedding ceremony of my brother and his long-time partner.  It was joyous, affirming, and important in the lives of our family, collective.

But in our little Carter family, there was an ugly event, one that marred an otherwise wonderful weekend.  There was anger, fear, frustration, disbelief, and embarrassment.  And yet, during the ugliness, there was love, support, friendship, faith, and respect.  In time, there is forgiveness and healing.

Looking back on the weekend as a whole, and as we continue to forgive and heal, the word that keeps coming to my mind is that our time with our family was affirming.  Listening to the vows that were shared affirmed the very most important components of a relationship, including mutual respect, unwavering love, commitment, humor, and friendship.  Gazing around the circle of witnesses to the marriage affirmed the feelings of gratitude for the many ways in which each of us, individually and as couples, have forged ourselves into family.  And the way in which the Carters were loved and cared for, even during the darkest of our days, affirmed the concept of Family in a way I'd never imagined. In our circle, I saw loss coupled with joy; struggle coupled with perseverance; commitment, devotion, and unconditional love:  it was all present, each of us bearing witness to it all.  And to each other.

To Love.

Halloween 2014

Best. Year. Yet!!!  But I say that every year.  Even though we were more 11th hour than ever before on the costumes, even though I was more skeptical than ever before that we'd pull it off, even though I was hating the fact that I didn't just pony up the money for stress-free store boughts... this was the best Halloween yet.

We carved pumpkins a few days ahead....

I mustache you a question... but I'll shave it for later (Aidan)

(Pax:  classic and cute)

(Leo: winking and trying to look fierce, but mostly looking cute)

 ...and sent our EPIC Super User off to work.

A witch and her husband joined us for dinner that night.  Most kids got candy; ours got apples.

Darth Vader showed up in full force

The Ewok wanted to snuggle.

and the Jedi wowed us with his Light Saber moves.

We all enjoyed a night of sweets and treats...

...and great fun was had by all!

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU.

A meal to go with it

Dinner is the time of day I guard most carefully in this house.  I love to prepare the food; I especially love when the kids prepare the food; I love the food itself.  I still love it, despite the fact that some days, it requires near-herculean efforts to get tired kids to rouse themselves off the couch, cranky kids calmed down enough to sit, crying kids to stop crying, mad kids to leave their rooms and come to the table. But times are changing.  Something new is happening.  These days.... we linger.

The first time I noticed it, we lingered 5 minutes past the end of the meal.  The next week, 10. One evening the following week, we were at the table for nearly an hour.

Later that same week, I read this article on The Family Dinner.  Which, in the end, made me feel incredibly sad for her, more than anything else.

Then I read this one, which I liked because at least half of our monthly meals come from DALS.  Love this post, too, with the embedded links - (it made me realize how much I DO know about my own family, thanks to my mom and dad - and how much we have not yet shared with our own kids...)

And this one, which I really loved, because she is smart and funny and articulates how liking to cook for your family doesn't, in any way, pose a threat to maintaining a feminist perspective.

But the really good part?  And the point I'm really trying to make?  Is what happened the NEXT night, a night when dinner was served at 5:45, yet everyone was still seated an hour later.  It was a give-a-mouse-a-cookie  kind of evening:

We shared the good part, bad part, silly part of our day.  Something someone said triggered a conversation about experiences versus material gifts.  We asked the kids to recount some of the adventures (experiences) we had in the past year.  They rattled off the highlights of a handful of adventures we've shared, including unforgettable moments as well as seemingly tiny details. We asked them, then, to name presents (material gifts) they'd unwrapped on Christmas morning.  They stared at us.  And said nothing.

Jeff and I were gleeful in pointing out, "See!  It's the experiences we remember!"  Our experiences v. stuff conversation somehow evolved into Boy Scouts, and our refusal to let our sons participate in Boy Scouts, because of the BSA's divisive and unrelenting stance on inclusion of gay leaders.  That led to an in-depth conversation on gay marriage, which led to an explanation of the recent decision in Virginia to overturn the ban on gay marriage, and how that decision is supported by the Supreme Court, which led to a bigger discussion on legislation at the state and federal level, and eventually led to why this is good news especially for gay couples who wish to adopt a child, which led to a brief foray into all the different kinds of families there are, and that the one thing they all share is that they - we -  love each other, so much...

And it happened at the dinner table. We gave our mice a cookie, and they asked for a whole meal to go with it.

Eyes Open

Recently, NPR's David Greene and Shankar Vedantam covered a story on why people agree to do boring work.  Their reporting weaved together some new research to the old work of Camus in his "Myth of Sysiphus."  Toward the close of the interview, researcher Peter Ubel observed, "Camus [would say]...live your life with your eyes open because meaning doesn't lie in the work, it lies in what you bring to the work."

Those words echoed in my mind as I contextualized my life to Camus' work. This is the final year of my most meaningful work: the work of birthing and raising and running and wrangling a family.  It is hard to imagine, in this moment, that I will find work more meaningful than this.  More to the point - it is hard to imagine I will ever find the kind of work again that matches the kind of meaning I've found - created -  in all these years of growing up small people.
***
I overheard a phone conversation that Jeff was having with a relative who'd called to check in.  He gave a quick recap of graduate school and work; he talked about the kids' teachers and their new hobbies; and then, he seemed to falter over what to say about me.  "Anne's doing great," he said.  "She does stuff with youth group kids.  And she is busy with..." he trailed off.  He didn't quite know how to finish the sentence.

At first, I felt a little deflated, and fussed at him about it. "Jeff," I admonished.  "I am doing good work here!  Important stuff!  My work is Pax, and my work is Aidan and Leo.  You know this,"  I reminded him, yet I knew he didn't actually need the reminding.  Jeff has always been as resolute as I have in maintaining a lifestyle that includes an at-home parent.  "Yeah, you're right," he said.  "I just don't know how to describe your work."

Upon reflection, I realized it is hard to find the words that describe the meaning of my work.  How do I explain the meaning in the mundane, if the answer to "what did you do today?" is a list of generic chores and jobs related to keeping house and keeping kids?  How many days has he come home, tired from his own day, and heard my litany of complaints? For there are countless days I've lamented the mess, of the endless to-do, the hours spent chauffeuring, of the exhaustion I feel.  He knows I've felt resentment at times, when my work load is too great and the return is too little.  Dirt is tracked in on clean floors; bathroom sinks are instantly smeared with toothpaste; the milk supply is depleted well before grocery day; kids and parents are impatient, angry, distant. Where is the meaning in THIS? I've wondered.

And yet - there it is.

The work of grocery shopping, the times I've hauled tantruming children out, leaving a cart full of stuff, balanced by the meaning we create: weighing the cabbages; boosting Pax onto my shoulder so he can watch the woman at the deli counter slice our turkey in the huge mandolin; playing "I Spy" to distract from "no treats today;" spending the time waiting to check out with a child snuggling in my arms, a quiet and sacred peace stolen from an ordinary trip.

The house work:  the endless war against dirt and greasy fingerprints and countertops clear of paperwork.  If there is a Sysiphus-like hill to climb, it is cleaning house.  Finding meaning in the way the vacuuming becomes a delightful event for capable preschoolers who are impressed with their own ability; the inevitable game of "gotcha" that ensues whenever the brush attachment makes its way near barefoot toes; the laughter of littles in the bathtub, playing happily and singing songs with me while I scrubbed toilets and disinfected sinks.

The work of the laundry:  8 loads or more per week - muddy, smelly, sweaty, food-covered, stained, soiled laundry.  Balanced by finding meaning in the laundry basket, recently emptied:  a tool that transforms into a pint-sized vessel (a train; a ship; a plane) for rides around the room.

The work of play:  long walks or bike rides around the neighborhood; mornings with friends; afternoons at the park. Books and board games that divide up our chores; apple picking after gymnastics class, picnic lunches and the occasional adventure to someplace undiscovered.

***
Pandora played in the background as Pax and I started baking pumpkin muffins this afternoon. We listened to a playlist of well-known children's songs that included Laurie Berkner as we stirred the pumpkin together with the eggs, added the carefully-measured flour. The next song came on, another one by Berkner, titled "Five Days Old"
I'm sittin' here I'm one day old
I'm sittin' here I'm two days old
I'm sittin' here I'm three days old
I'm sittin' here I'm four days old.

(Refrain) One day I'll be a year
then I'll be two then three then four
But as for now I'm sittin' here
I'm five days old and no days more.

..then several more verses, each time returning to the refrain.

We sang and clapped in rhythm; we danced a little around the kitchen; I held him and felt the weight of him in my arms.  Just like that day he was one day old.  That day when he was five days old, when he turned one, then two, then three, then four.  Today, when he is five.

We danced some more, and I sang when my voice stopped wobbling.
Through my tears, I held my eyes wide open...

...as I live with the full knowledge that "meaning doesn't lie in the work.  

It lies in what we bring to the work."

Birthday Party Ideas: Round Up

Looking for an idea for a themed birthday party?  Here's a quick round up of some successful at-home parties.  The first four are more like how-to's' the others are more of a general description, but the ideas are still pretty clear.

Cooking up a Storm!  

S'more Camping Party 

A Pirate's Life for Me (this was a terrific and easy theme to do)

Mad Scientist Party (the kids were soo creative and curious, very engaged!  The possibilities for this are ENDLESS....)

Strike up the Band!  Music Party (Loved this one - again, so many variations)

Dinosaur Adventure:  
The young paleontologists who helped Leo celebrate his 4th birthday hunted for dino bones hidden around the room, ran in a dino dress up relay race, made Brachiosaurus top hats, and even got to explode a volcano with vinegar and baking soda. I made a Stella Stegosaurus cake - probably my most ambitious cake to date - and she turned out quite well, despite the duct tape I eventually used on her head....

Favorite Things (a day filled with the things Pax liked best of all.)

Cars and Trucks and Things That Go - (transportation)

Superhero Party 

Other ideas:

We've only "outsourced" a few parties.  Leo had an *awesome* rock climbing party this past year, (scroll down on the link to see the pics of the party) and Aidan has chosen to do smaller parties/celebrations several years: taking two friends to create "fused glass art" one year; roller skating and a sleepover another year; and in 2014, Jeff took him and a buddy out for a round of golf to commemorate his 10th birthday.

Party on, Wayne!

Party on, Garth!

Cooking Celebration for a Chef

Pax turned FIVE YEARS OLD last week.  FIVE!

We celebrated him this past weekend with a party that was among my most favorite birthday parties, ever:  a cooking-themed event.  Five friends and one beloved teacher joined us for a morning of cooking, decorating, and chefting.  (Chefting = engaging in chef-like acts).  Aidan and Leo were Master Chefs in the help they provided to our guests, and Master Brothers in the fun they shared with their baby bro.

Although this party had fresh and new ideas, it was actually a variation on a theme - I've kind of gotten this home-grown party thing down to a bit of a science.
I choose a color theme,

make some swag,

repurpose stuff from around the house into fresh and relevant party decorations,

and call it good.  Whabam!  Party time.


I've also learned a thing or two about how much good teaching is like good party planning:  plan every minute, then plan some extra stuff.  I get teased for the schedules I write (and especially if I waver a minute or two off the timeline) but if there is a secret to my success, it's this. It's all about the party-time management.  This time around, the party plan was as follows:

12:00 - 12:15 - Guests arrive:  Decorate aprons;

draw pictures of favorite food on poster board

12:15 - 12:30 Assemble pizzas (crust; sauce; cheese; assorted toppings, including hot dogs)

12:30 - 12:45 (while the pizzas cook...) Make fruit kebabs; listen to the story "Seven Silly Eaters"

12:45 - 1:05 Lunch on the deck

1:05 - 1:40 Chef Stations:  Sifting (flour);

Measuring (rice and cups, spoons, funnels, etc.);

Rolling and Cutting (pie crusts; rolling pins; cookie cutters); and

Pouring/Spinning (water with salad spinner, lettuce, various pouring and measuring containers)

1:40 - 1:50 Decorate cupcakes

1:50 - 2:00 Let Them Eat (cup)Cake!  And Voila!

In addition to the fabric apron they decorated, each guest left with a goodie bag that included a wooden spoon, a basting brush, a cookie cutter, muffin tin liners, a picture of Chef Pax, and two recipes -

one for "With Scratch" Brownies, (best. brownies. EVER!) and one for homemade pizza dough:

Pax’s “With Scratch” Brownies

12 ounces (3 sticks) unsalted butter

2 cups cocoa powder, sifted

6 eggs

2 cups sugar

2 cups packed light brown sugar

2 tablespoons vanilla extract

2 cups flour

1 teaspoon kosher salt

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.  Line a 9x13 inch pan with aluminum foil or parchment paper and spray with nonstick cooking oil spray.  Melt the butter in a medium saucepan over medium heat.  Remove from the heat and add the cocoa powder, stirring to combine.  Let cool slightly. 

In a large bowl, whisk the eggs together, then add the sugars and vanilla extract, stirring to combine.  Add the cooled butter-chocolate mixture, then fold in the flour and salt until just combined; do not overmix.  Spread the batter evently in the pan, making sure the corners are filled.  Bake for 40-45 minutes or until a crust forms on the surface and a toothpick inserted into the center comes out mostly clean.  Transfer the pan to a wire rack; cool completely before cutting the brownies.

Pax’s Perfect Pizza Dough

3 3/4 cups flour

2 1/2 teaspoons instant or other active dry yeast

3/4 teaspoon salt

3/4 teaspoon sugar

1 1/3 cup room-temperature water

In a medium bowl, stir together the flour, yeast, salt, and sugar. Add the water and, using a wooden spoon or your hand, mix until blended, at least 30 seconds. The dough will be stiff, not wet and sticky. Cover the bowl and let sit at room temperature until the dough has more than doubled in volume, at least 2 hours. Divide the dough in two and shape each into flattened balls. (Dough can be frozen at this point.)  When you are ready to make a pizza, preheat oven to 500°F roll out one ball of dough in a rectangular shape and place on an oiled cookie sheet. Top as desired and bake 15-20 minutes.

Bon Apetit!  Happy Birthday, Pax!

Buried in books

We're nose deep in books these days...

Here's a quick list of what we're reading (and loving!) on the Literacy Farm:

Pax can be found with a book in his hand more often than not. (See photographic evidence, above.) Latest favorites include:
The Pigeon Needs a Bath!  (Mo Willems)
Clever Jack Takes the Cake (Candace Fleming)
Zen Shorts (John J Muth)
These Minecraft books (because he is a Minecraft savant.)
...and, endearingly, he still loves Owl Babies (Martin Waddell).  (Who wouldn't love it?  The last line of the book is "I love my Mommy," says Bill.)

Leo reads on his own a good deal, but still loves (and prefers) read-alouds with his dad.  Recently, they've read
Charlotte's Web (E.B. White)
Holes (Louis Sacher)
...and are currently devouring The Lightening Thief (Percy Jackson Book 1, R. Riordan)

(but if you're looking for the best-ever read-aloud for younger kids, the hands-down winner is Where the Mountain Meets the Moon (Grace Lin)

Aidan reads almost as much as I do.  He's currently reading
Son of Neptune (Riordan),
but other recent favorites have included
The Mysterious Benedict Society Series (Stewart)
Out of My Mind (Sharon Draper)
and next on his nightstand is
Charles and Emma (Deborah Heiligman)

I try to avoid reading more than one book at a time, yet I've found myself in the middle of three (!!) excellent books.  I'm reading...
Let the Great World Spin (Colum McCann)
Ender's Game (Orson Scott Card)
The (Un)Common Good (Jim Wallis)

My most favorite recent read, though, is The Invention of Wings (Sue Monk Kidd)

Jeff has even found a few minutes of spare time between graduate class work to enjoy some pleasure reading.  Aidan has been asking him to read his #1 favorite book, and Jeff was happy to oblige.  Wonder by R.J. Palacio is nothing short of a true literary wonder.  It is unequivocally the most important book a young person might ever read in his or her growing-up years.

And finally, a book that the whole family is enjoying is Dinner: The Playbook by Jenny Rosenstrach, the same author as Dinner: A Love Story (both cookbook and blog).  Aidan, Leo, Pax, and I spent an afternoon earmarking recipes we'd each like to make (Aidan wants to make hoisin turkey burgers; Leo's going to make chicken chili and compare it to his favorite turkey chili, Pax decided on a new recipe for sloppy joes; and I want to taste her shrimp and grits recipe) while Jeff simply drools over the photos and asks us

"How long until dinner?"

"Not until I finish this book," one of us is likely to reply.