Unconditional: Defined.

I will return to this space, fully and weekly, in time.  

Until then--

I thought I knew unconditional love.  I've always known God's unconditional love for me, the way God shows up for me, speaks to me, shines light on me.  God shows up in sunrises that catch me by surprise, in moonlight that bursts through clouds, in light that fights through the darkness.   Admittedly, my relationship with God right now is complicated, and my time with God is awfully quiet these days.  But never do I doubt God's presence, God's love for me.  Wholly and completely, unconditional.  But unconditional goes far beyond God's love...

Unconditional, defined:  It begins with two important men in my life.

The relationship I have with my father is different - and better - now than it has ever been in my life. That is to say, I have never felt closer or more loved or more supported by him than I do today.  It is in the little ways he cares for me:  delivering fresh flowers to me every week; getting my car inspected; fixing broken sinks and scouring my bathroom tubs and installing new appliances.  Sharing breakfast with each of my sons, individually, on a three week rotation.  Washing dinner dishes after putting my kids to bed, while I am tutoring.  Buying me beer, pouring me a drink. The list goes on and on... and yet the simplest thing he said to me, recently, is the moment I keep coming back to, again and again.  In a moment of angst and stress over my financial mess, my father shared with me, "When we moved to Virginia, we were really 240 hours from being bankrupt.  My dad said 'Paul, it is only paper.'  The next day we got a cash sale on the house and closed with 48 hours to spare.  But my dad was right either way - it was only paper."  

For years, my father has counseled me with those same words - "Money is just paper."  But I used to scoff and blow him off, because let's face it - he always has more paper than I do.  Everything changed with that text from him to me.  I understood, in new light, what was being shared.  The wisdom of his words were being passed down through generations.  Knowing that his father had counseled him in the same way made me understand the value of the words.  Suddenly, I was connected not only to my father, but to my grandfather as well - a man I loved dearly, and admired deeply.  He was well-read, an accomplished organist, a fine chef, and a good, good man who demonstrated unconditional love in real and significant ways, particularly for the time period in which he lived.  He raised up an even better son, who reads occasionally, is tone-deaf, and whose culinary skills (outside of the grill) are decent at best.  But the values my grand/father instilled, the man (men) he helped/is helping to shape, the wisdom each imparted, the actions that support the words spoken define unconditional love.

My brother Adam spent the better part of a week here this summer, and among many other chores he did, he mowed and weed whacked the lawn.  It has never looked better - and I know that I'm not the only one with this opinion, because my neighbor admired the lawn, then asked, "Is he your hired help?"  I guffawed (hired help?  Really?) before responding, "No.  He's my brother."  Unconditional.

Adam is among the most emotionally literate men I know, and I dream of raising sons who are as emotionally connected, affirming, and tender as Adam is to me.  Adam's ability to connect to what I am feeling and validate me, again and again is breathtaking.  He takes what I say to him without judgement, contextualizes it, normalizes it, then reflects it back to me.  Each phone call ends the same way: first a pause, then "I love, you, Annie."  Unconditional.

Yet there is nothing that defines unconditional more completely than the love of my mother.  Mine has demonstrated her love to me, timelessly and tirelessly.  My mother is my cheerleader, my coach, my rally-er, my sympathetic ear.  For many months now, she does the kids' laundry, cleans out closets, organizes massive heaps of stuff, tidies rooms, loves on my kids, takes me out for dinner and treats me to new clothes, invites us over for dinner, plants my garden, runs my errands.  That's a small handful of what she does for me. Recently, a song popped into my head that was a choir anthem many years ago.  Aidan was about 4 years old, and was captivated by it; he requested it many nights in a row after he heard it for the first time that Sunday morning.  "When I fall down you pick me up, when I am dry you fill my cup..."  That was the part that Aidan liked best.  Finally, I asked him what made that song so special to him.  "Because, Mommy, when I fall down, you always pick me up."  And when that song popped into my head again for the first time in many years, I instantly knew why.  Because I have been falling down.  Again and again and again.  And my mom, she's been picking me up.  Again and again and again.... 

Unconditional: defined.

A(nother) reader in da house!

So this is happening:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibq43hl9X20

!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So, so exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is something uniquely awesome about watching a child discovering the joy of reading something all by himself.  I am smitten with this newest reader and his amazing capabilities!  Look out, Library, you're soon to be DEVOURED!

Sweet P

"Catch up on blog" remains at the top of my to-do list.  Life keeps getting in the way of my to do's.

But I do not want to forget to savor these two recent snippets, the finding-beauty-in-every-day moments that are what sustain me these days....

In addition to sharing the good part and bad part of our days at the dinner table, we've added a third element.  Each of us shares something beautiful that we've encountered that day, for even on hard days, sad days, angry days, or dreary days, there is still something beautiful to be found, recognized, enjoyed.  Sometimes, the most beautiful part of my day is when I hear what Aidan, Leo, and Pax share.  Like on this recent evening:

Me: "What was the beautiful part of your day?"

Pax:  "I know.  Making wishes in the fountain.  With Mommy.  That made it moooooore beautiful."

**********************

Most of my grocery shopping happens now while Pax is at school.  But this week, thrown off a day by a field trip with Aidan, I had to shop on Friday morning with Pax in tow.  On the one hand, it was nice to have his company.  On the other hand, we predictably ended up with more in the cart than I'd intended.  By the last aisle, I was weary of saying no to treats, abundant in every aisle, negotiating trades in the cart (if you want to get the sprinkles for ice cream, then we need to put back the chocolate chips), and of simply being in the grocery store, still.  As his voice took on a whiney pitch as he lobbied for two kinds of popsicles, I said to him,

"Pax!  We already have special things in this cart for you.  Do you see any treats in this cart for ME?"

He stared at me.  Grinned.  "Yes," he replied, hanging off the edge of the handle.  

"ME.  I am your treat!"  

Perspective. Restored.

 

Personal Best

 Soon, I hope to back fill some of the time and space that is so absent from this place.  I hope to catalog some Christmas photos, recount the celebration of Leo's 8th birthday, showcase a cooking challenge we took on in February, and remember and record some of the good moments of these past few hard, challenging, and dark months.

But I needed a place to start, today.  

I ran the Charlottesville 10 Miler this past weekend, the 6th time I've done this race.  I was excited to run this year with a friend from church, but... we didn't have a good plan in place on the morning of the race for meeting up, and we could not find each other.  Though I had been looking forward to having a partner to run with again, I did not mind in the least the challenge of running, solo.  I knew I could do it.  

My goal each year is the same:  beat my time from last year.  Given the obstacles I've faced this training season, including lots of snow, ice, and frigid temperatures, I wasn't confident I could beat my 1:23:49 time from 2014.

I killed it.  I ran this year's race in 1:19:44, shaving 4 minutes off my time, running sub-8's the entire way, and placing 13th in my age range,  and 328th (out of 1,715) overall.  

Perhaps best of all, just when I was feeling a little bit like I was dragging in mile 9, I spotted my buddy Tony up ahead and was able to catch up to him.  We finished the race together, and he gave me the encouragement I needed at the very end to finish so strong.  

Here's to personal bests.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

I decided to Unplug the Christmas Machine this year.  I decided to simplify, say yes to the things that we think are most important, say no to the things that aren't.  We're focusing more on traditions, and on time spent together.  We asked each kid to identify the one tradition that is most important or dear to them, and made sure to carve out the time and space to make those things happen.  We've been intentional in creating big, blank spaces in the December calendar.  We've focused on the Waiting that is so important in Advent.  11 days away from Christmas morning, I can actually say, with sincerity, that I am enjoying Christmas this year.

I'm enjoying...

the way Pax arranges the Nativities.  He is enthralled with each one, and painstakingly arranges each character in a circle surrounding the Baby Jesus.

 The best part is when I discover one long after he's gone to bed... like this one, left on a corner table and undiscovered for several hours.

...decorating a gingerbread house at Monticello was what Pax named as the Tradition We Must Do.  This year, we felt like seasoned pros.  We had a plan; we had a design; we had a wonderful time creating this.... masterpiece?

 ...New traditions:  my girl Clancy and I decided it was high time for a tradition of our very own. Early in December, we began researching the Best Christmas Cocktail Ever.  We feel as though it is the very least we can do for our dear husbands, who work so hard.... we'll take the hassle and stress out of mixing cocktails, and we'll just deliver the very best drink, right to their thirsty hands.

Cranberry Spice Sidecar = our research is over!

...After our exceptional adventure to see The Nutcracker last year, Leo decided that the Tradition We Must Do would be to go and see a Christmas play or show.  We decided to support our local high school and go and see their production of "A Christmas Story."  It was such a fun night!

Pax was delighted to see his preschool friend Claire at the show. Here, he's waving at her and giggling.  Too cute!!

The cast and crew --

 I'm also enjoying Holiday Mischief.  "I am SUPERSanta!!"  Pax proclaimed:

Driving his Sleigh on Christmas Eve....

 My mother treated me to a wreath making workshop at Monticello. It was interesting and somewhat stressful, yet I am happy enough with my end result.  I kept wishing, though, for my never-fails-me- glue gun.  The next morning, Pax had many questions about our wreathes.  "Does Grandma's wreath look exactly like your wreath?" he asked. "No, it doesn't.  We each got to do whatever we wanted." "Oh," he said.  "So Grandma's looks a little bit more awesomer than yours?"

homemade wreathes.  My mom's is on the left; mine is on the right.  

 I picked the kids up early from school one day so that we could go and visit Santa.  Aidan asked for trumpet music that he could play with his dad; Leo asked for a remote control, life-size clone of himself; and Pax froze up and didn't ask for a single thing.  Still - it was a fun visit, especially afterward, when the boys played "Secret Santa" all over the mall.

 (The boys wrote sweet notes and drew pictures on these envelopes, signed them "Love, Santa's Elves," filled them with small bills and change, and left them on vending machines and the carousel for others to discover and enjoy...)

Pax's preschool program was so sweet.  There's nothing quite like a bunch of four- and five- year olds singing "Go Tell it on the Mountain" to make you feel all warm and fuzzy.  This particular expression captures his delight in seeing Grandma and Grandpa and Daddy all present (with me) at the performance.

Pax's beloved, gifted, extraordinary preschool teacher, Ms. Susan.  This woman is an absolute treasure.  

...and then today, we celebrated Advent with the Sunday School Christmas Pageant.  Pax was a regal and proud king; Leo, a kind shepherd; Aidan was a humble Joseph.

We are discovering the Wonder in the Waiting.

I love you even when.

Today was a long day.  After preparing 3 massive lasagnas to feed a total of 23 youth and advisors from church tomorrow, then adding in a pan of rice krispie treats, a pan of brownies, and a sheet cake for the Baby Jesus, I was pretty much done with cooking for the day. At 4:30, I wearily looked at my monthly menu plan, then uncharacteristically looked away.

Then, we invited my parents over for happy hour, so that they could experience my newest obsession:  Cranberry Spice Sidecars.  One thing led to... another round of drinks.  But what to serve the kids?

Clearly, there was only one solution:  carryout pizza for dinner.  We never have carryout pizza for dinner.  I can't think of the last time the five of us sat down for Papa John's pizza.  Was it 6 months ago?  8?  14 months?  But when I bit into that pizza tonight, fetched on by Jeff and Aidan,(I'm still too cheap to splurge for the delivery guy) the first thought that ran through my head was, this is delicious.  Why don't we ever order pizza?  

An hour later, I started the putting-Pax-to-bed ritual.  After books, prayers, and songs, I lay next to him, quietly, holding his hand.  And then -  he said, "Mom, I love you.  Even when we have carry-out pizza for dinner."

I sat there, stunned, ingesting those words, not believing what I'd heard.  I reframed it into a question,

"Even when we have pizza?"

"Yes, I still love you," he answered.

Tonight, I learned the very real consequences of raising foodies who love to cook.... and perhaps, too, the measure of unconditional love.

Tree of Thanks: 2014

I read recently that creating - and then maintaining - traditions is one of the most important things parents can do for their children.  With that timely reminder, I dug out the clay pot embellished with a fall ribbon, hunted down a pair of spindly tree branches, and set to work with my glue gun to firmly root our Tree of Thanks.  I put the kids to work cutting out simple leaves, and in the end, I felt more grateful than ever before for this ritual, this tradition.  It wasn't so much in what they wrote - though there were some poignant and perfect gratitudes - but more in that I felt joyful and gratified in that they knew the drill, knew what to do, knew the tradition. Indeed, it felt like important work.

Our leaves:
I am thankful for brotherhood.   (Leo)
I love going to school, and playing outside.  (Pax)
I am thankful for big books.  (Aidan)
All the books! (Leo)
I am so thankful for "extras" like 2 cars, iphones, Internet service, beer, and wine... (Anne)
I am thankful for God (Pax)
I am thankful for my friend, Gregory.  (Pax)
The convenience of the fridge, dishwasher, microwave, washer, and dryer. (Anne)
I am thankful for gymnastics!  (Pax)
I am thankful for lots and lots of love.  (Aidan)
I am thankful for my BFFs!  (Leo)
Dinners over at Grandma and Grandpa's house and the fun times we share with them (Anne)
Our county.  (Leo)
Excellent health care, especially ENT; dentistry; physical and mental wellness. (Anne)
I am thankful for LIFE!  (Leo)
My bed. (Leo)
Aidan loves band and middle school; Leo is stress-less at school and has fewer headaches; Pax has the best preschool teacher EVER. (Anne)
My school (Leo)
Seatbelts.  (Leo)
Helpful and caring bystanders.  (Anne)
I am thankful for Pax and his cute stories and his hugs and snuggles.  (Jeff)
I am thankful for our thankful tree.  (Pax)
I am thankful for friends and teachers. (Aidan)
My closest friends:  Emily, Clancy, Nicole. (Anne)
I am thankful for the beauty of sunsets.  (Jeff)
I am thankful for a gym I enjoy and friends I can exercise with. (Anne)
I am thankful for church.  (Leo)
I am thankful for the time I got to spend coaching Leo's soccer team.  (Jeff)
I am thankful for HOME.  (Anne)
Cooking and sharing good food with Aidan, Leo, and Pax.  (Anne)
I am thankful for a warm safe environment and house.  (Aidan)
Our family - especially our now-official Aunt Linsey. (Anne)
I am thankful for being able to practice my trumpet with Aidan, and the things he does to help us.  (Jeff)
I am thankful for my home and my food.  (Leo)
My mom and dad (Anne)
Good friends to talk about beer with (Jeff)
I am thankful for friends and teachers.  (Aidan)
Having "enough."  And more.  (Anne)